An Ode To Her

Some people say hello once in a while.
Little do they know that she’s long gone.
Someone still responds.
A shadow.
An echo.
A ghost whose traces can be found in people’s memories, photo albums, hearts.
Somewhere out there she’s still alive, still here.

I know, she’s still alive in me.
I was born through her.
I saw life through her eyes.
I experienced her joy and her tears.
Oh, so much pain still echoes through my heart and soul, her suffering that I’ve taken as mine.
She felt loved by few and even I wanted to deny her for so long.
Her existence alone…
I wished she didn’t exist.
Like darkness looming over me, over my past, and still not leaving me be in my present and my future.
Never going away.

I am the one who knows her better than anyone else and yet, for so long, I only wanted to deny her existence.
Better than anyone, I know she’s never been anything but light.
Just an innocent soul who never truly harmed anyone, especially me.
Yet I wanted her to disappear, to be forgotten, to fade away.
And fading away she began as I emerged.
What a tragedy…

Someone is still standing firm, holding her, not letting her go away.
She is their everything… and here I am.
A bad man, a crazy man, who came out of nowhere to take her away, to erase her.
That has been my intention for so long.
And what has she done to deserve this?
Her name brought shame to me.
Her existence trapped me and I couldn’t get out.
I just wanted to be free.
I wanted to be myself.
At any cost.

There are no regrets or guilt.
Even if she had nothing for me but love while I held so many negative feelings towards her.
She’s been hoping for all my hopes and dreams to come true.
And I’ve been only wishing she had never existed.
Hard to believe, but hatred wasn’t what I felt for her.

Ever since we met, she’s been smiling and cheering for me every day as I keep going, keep fighting.
For what matters most to me.
To us.
Nobody knows me better than she does and nobody ever will.
Our souls are forever connected.
They are one.
I am only here, because she is.
And she is still here, because I am.

Darling, I’m sorry you’ll never get to live like you deserve to.
You never knew what was coming until I opened my eyes.
Yet it was one of the best days of our lives.
You may fade away to the world, but you’ll never be truly gone.
Because it’s not you whom I wish to banish and erase—it’s my fear.
It took me a long time to realize that together we are stronger.
As I stand naked and alone in my safe place and the sun kisses my bare skin, there’s nobody else but you whom I invite to stay with me.
Until our last breath.


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