I don’t know why, but I wrote this a while ago and didn’t publish it. Or maybe I do know? Perhaps, I thought this was too open, too personal, too raw. These events happened quite long ago. But I’ll tell my tale now and what has happened since. I definitely wrote this with flair. Two different energies can be felt from the words written when everything was still so fresh to me and how I feel now.
* * *
Quite the title, huh… But that pretty much describes what I did one seemingly mundane Monday.
Yep. I caused an avalanche in my life. In a matter of hours. I resigned from my job, bought a ticket home, and received an interview invitation for another position that I thought would allow me to use my talent as a writer freely. And bring value to people’s lives!
Note: That opportunity didn’t work out. I got ghosted. But boy was that a blessing from the universe because I got a much better offer later.
All in one day.
Although, it all started silently, soon it could not be stopped. And how did I do that? Well… I decided to make a change.
Why? Have a seat.
It’s been a while since I felt any joy.
When that realization hit me… I knew it wasn’t right. What kind of life is it? No joy. Nothing to smile for. I could not remember the last time I felt genuine joy for anything. At all!
I was living for the weekends and public holidays.
Yeah… another one. That’s not living. If every Monday is utter misery, and my mood was like climbing and descending a mountain every week, something’s very, very wrong.
I started comparing Lithuania to Malaysia, pinpointing all the things that would be better if I were back in Lithuania.
And it used to be the opposite! Clearly, I was missing home. But it felt like it was more than that. I knew I couldn’t find anything I was yearning for in Malaysia anymore. As much as I love Malaysia, it was time to pack my bags and leave.
Note: I’d love to return for a visit one day. Malaysia will always feel like a second home to me.
My body seemed to refuse to wake up on time every morning.
I started coming late to work pretty much every day. Sure, I’m a night owl, so that’s that. But it became increasingly difficult to get out of bed. I felt bad for being late all the time, but that brings me to the next point.
I hated feeling bad for something that is not inherently bad.
Why do we work during set hours? In an office mind you. It’s not a factory. Or is it? Now add some snide remarks from a CEO who thinks 10:30 AM is not morning anymore. Okay. Also, why does nobody care when you stay in the office for too long? Uh-huh.
Note: My view on mornings has changed since. I am willingly getting up so much earlier than I used to. Even on weekends. I just felt like it was time for a change in this area of my life and set a new rhythm for my future. Something shifted since, but hey… 10:30 AM is STILL very much morning. (; I also understand that having set hours can be helpful for not overworking yourself, Though others also need to do their part and not disturb someone after office hours and especially on the weekends when the nature of work does not require that at all and the person does not want to be disturbed. Respect personal time. (:
I could not give my 100% anymore.
That’s unfair. To me. To others. I was suffering and people around me just could never get the best of me anymore. And even my worst was really good. Yep. I have really high confidence in my abilities. Bite me. Now imagine what I could do at 100%.
Note: Actually, many didn’t even deserve me at my best, but I failed to see it at the time. And when I resigned, clearly nobody gave a flying fork, didn’t care to ask why I did it and if I was okay (heck, even I had no clue how not okay I was at the time). But this experience was a valuable lesson for me.
I had no pride in my work.
Not too long before I caused this avalanche, I had a phone interview with someone who approached me first. looking to hire people for their startup. I just thought I’d have a go. That’s when I realized I had zero things to be proud of when I looked back at my work in the past year. Yeah.
I felt like I had no purpose and was wasting my talent away.
Yeah. You go now. Shop now. Discover now. Buy now. Explore now. Find out more about yet another piece of crap you don’t need, to fill an empty void in your heart. Be happy for a while, then look for something else to fill the void. Repeat. I mean… look at my damn poetry. I can write a great piece in minutes! Why was I wasting my gift on ads and other marketing material that brought zero value to humanity?
Note: I am still working in marketing today, but I write copy for products that are quite different from all the random stuff I had to write about when I was working at an ad agency. I believe in these products. They are innovative and useful to people. And I can actually see what I write in many places and proudly say… “Hey, I wrote that!”.
I was miserable and angry.
As simple as that. I started hating everything about my job. And nobody seemed to appreciate the art of writing. Everyone and their mother had something to say about my written work, even if they could not write one full sentence without spelling errors themselves.
None of this sounds positive so far, does it? And I let it all build up inside of me for so long. Feeling stuck, I had a laser focus on an important goal in my life. I thought the only way to reach it was to keep on suffering in a job I despised and clenching my money, trying to save as much as I can.
Note: Let’s face it, I was also underpaid.
I ignored my true feelings and all the signs for too long.
I was giving my power away over and over again, every single day. By staying in that job, by allowing others to seize control of my life, make decisions that affected me. Often, I was just sitting silently as I watched bullshit around me unfold.
I allowed my manager at the time, to scream at me and my team, to treat us horribly. When did I become like this? How could I allow something like this to happen? I used to tear people apart who dared attack me or other innocent people. For no reason. At all.
It was time to take my power back. Take my life back.
So I simply said…
NO MORE.
And here we are.
* * *
It took me a while to realize how many things were terribly wrong in that chapter of my life. Long after it was over. Speaking from the professional perspective mainly. Of course, not everything was bad. I learned a lot of valuable lessons. But let’s call things as they are – the working culture was absolute and utter garbage.
I needed at least a year to detox so to speak. I didn’t want to do more or care more than necessary. I built a wall of protection in a way, so I could peacefully heal. I did it unknowingly. But now I understand. Now, I do want to do more and care more. Or more like… dare more in my professional life (and not only). I am happy where I am today. I feel valued and respected. I enjoy what I do. And I am forever grateful for all the lessons in my life, good and bad.
Change can be scary, but it might be exactly what you need when you’re stuck and suffering. Sometimes when you’re hanging by a thread… let it snap, let it go, and start counting the blessings that have been waiting for you to do it all along.
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