As a human, I did not choose to be born.
But as a soul, I chose to be born as a human.
As a human, I did not choose to be born.
…too short to not…
Give up caring what others think.
Stop worrying about things that don’t matter.
Stop doing what you hate.
Let go of fear.
End conformity and let your true self shine.
…too fragile to not…
Cherish every moment.
Savour the essence of life.
Allow love to enter your body and soul.
Stand tall for yourself and others.
Fight for what truly matters.
…too precious to not…
Open your eyes to the truth.
Feel joy even when facing pain and suffering.
Clear your heart of hatred.
P.S. Life always finds a way.
Sometimes life pushes you to do things you’ve been so afraid of.
Backs you up in a corner with no way out.
With nobody to help you.
So you have to stand up and make your way out on your own.
No matter how scared you are.
And it may turn out that it’s not so bad like you had imagined in your head.
Fear had painted a picture more horrible than reality.
Once you do what you should have done in the first place, this fear loses its power over you.
Forgive yourself for not doing it sooner.
It’s alright now.
Move forward with courage in your heart.
I don’t know why, but I wrote this a while ago and didn’t publish it. Or maybe I do know? Perhaps, I thought this was too open, too personal, too raw. These events happened quite long ago. But I’ll tell my tale now and what has happened since. I definitely wrote this with flair. Two different energies can be felt from the words written when everything was still so fresh to me and how I feel now.
* * *
Quite the title, huh… But that pretty much describes what I did one seemingly mundane Monday.
Yep. I caused an avalanche in my life. In a matter of hours. I resigned from my job, bought a ticket home, and received an interview invitation for another position that I thought would allow me to use my talent as a writer freely. And bring value to people’s lives!
Note: That opportunity didn’t work out. I got ghosted. But boy was that a blessing from the universe because I got a much better offer later.
All in one day.
Although, it all started silently, soon it could not be stopped. And how did I do that? Well… I decided to make a change.
Why? Have a seat.
It’s been a while since I felt any joy.
When that realization hit me… I knew it wasn’t right. What kind of life is it? No joy. Nothing to smile for. I could not remember the last time I felt genuine joy for anything. At all!
I was living for the weekends and public holidays.
Yeah… another one. That’s not living. If every Monday is utter misery, and my mood was like climbing and descending a mountain every week, something’s very, very wrong.
I started comparing Lithuania to Malaysia, pinpointing all the things that would be better if I were back in Lithuania.
And it used to be the opposite! Clearly, I was missing home. But it felt like it was more than that. I knew I couldn’t find anything I was yearning for in Malaysia anymore. As much as I love Malaysia, it was time to pack my bags and leave.
Note: I’d love to return for a visit one day. Malaysia will always feel like a second home to me.
My body seemed to refuse to wake up on time every morning.
I started coming late to work pretty much every day. Sure, I’m a night owl, so that’s that. But it became increasingly difficult to get out of bed. I felt bad for being late all the time, but that brings me to the next point.
I hated feeling bad for something that is not inherently bad.
Why do we work during set hours? In an office mind you. It’s not a factory. Or is it? Now add some snide remarks from a CEO who thinks 10:30 AM is not morning anymore. Okay. Also, why does nobody care when you stay in the office for too long? Uh-huh.
Note: My view on mornings has changed since. I am willingly getting up so much earlier than I used to. Even on weekends. I just felt like it was time for a change in this area of my life and set a new rhythm for my future. Something shifted since, but hey… 10:30 AM is STILL very much morning. (; I also understand that having set hours can be helpful for not overworking yourself, Though others also need to do their part and not disturb someone after office hours and especially on the weekends when the nature of work does not require that at all and the person does not want to be disturbed. Respect personal time. (:
I could not give my 100% anymore.
That’s unfair. To me. To others. I was suffering and people around me just could never get the best of me anymore. And even my worst was really good. Yep. I have really high confidence in my abilities. Bite me. Now imagine what I could do at 100%.
Note: Actually, many didn’t even deserve me at my best, but I failed to see it at the time. And when I resigned, clearly nobody gave a flying fork, didn’t care to ask why I did it and if I was okay (heck, even I had no clue how not okay I was at the time). But this experience was a valuable lesson for me.
I had no pride in my work.
Not too long before I caused this avalanche, I had a phone interview with someone who approached me first. looking to hire people for their startup. I just thought I’d have a go. That’s when I realized I had zero things to be proud of when I looked back at my work in the past year. Yeah.
I felt like I had no purpose and was wasting my talent away.
Yeah. You go now. Shop now. Discover now. Buy now. Explore now. Find out more about yet another piece of crap you don’t need, to fill an empty void in your heart. Be happy for a while, then look for something else to fill the void. Repeat. I mean… look at my damn poetry. I can write a great piece in minutes! Why was I wasting my gift on ads and other marketing material that brought zero value to humanity?
Note: I am still working in marketing today, but I write copy for products that are quite different from all the random stuff I had to write about when I was working at an ad agency. I believe in these products. They are innovative and useful to people. And I can actually see what I write in many places and proudly say… “Hey, I wrote that!”.
I was miserable and angry.
As simple as that. I started hating everything about my job. And nobody seemed to appreciate the art of writing. Everyone and their mother had something to say about my written work, even if they could not write one full sentence without spelling errors themselves.
None of this sounds positive so far, does it? And I let it all build up inside of me for so long. Feeling stuck, I had a laser focus on an important goal in my life. I thought the only way to reach it was to keep on suffering in a job I despised and clenching my money, trying to save as much as I can.
Note: Let’s face it, I was also underpaid.
I ignored my true feelings and all the signs for too long.
I was giving my power away over and over again, every single day. By staying in that job, by allowing others to seize control of my life, make decisions that affected me. Often, I was just sitting silently as I watched bullshit around me unfold.
I allowed my manager at the time, to scream at me and my team, to treat us horribly. When did I become like this? How could I allow something like this to happen? I used to tear people apart who dared attack me or other innocent people. For no reason. At all.
It was time to take my power back. Take my life back.
So I simply said…
And here we are.
* * *
It took me a while to realize how many things were terribly wrong in that chapter of my life. Long after it was over. Speaking from the professional perspective mainly. Of course, not everything was bad. I learned a lot of valuable lessons. But let’s call things as they are – the working culture was absolute and utter garbage.
I needed at least a year to detox so to speak. I didn’t want to do more or care more than necessary. I built a wall of protection in a way, so I could peacefully heal. I did it unknowingly. But now I understand. Now, I do want to do more and care more. Or more like… dare more in my professional life (and not only). I am happy where I am today. I feel valued and respected. I enjoy what I do. And I am forever grateful for all the lessons in my life, good and bad.
Change can be scary, but it might be exactly what you need when you’re stuck and suffering. Sometimes when you’re hanging by a thread… let it snap, let it go, and start counting the blessings that have been waiting for you to do it all along.
For those of you who had suffered in silence for too long.
Taking every hit, every harsh word.
Keeping it all inside.
Allowing others to control who you are.
Chained by fear and guilt.
Blinded by love.
Finding ways to justify it all.
It’s all right.
Let it all go.
But most importantly…
Feel the anger that pushes you forward.
The anger that gives strength to stand up.
The anger that pushes all fear aside and dries up your tears.
The anger that calls out that part of you – the fighter, the warrior.
Pledge to protect the hurt child inside you.
They deserve to finally feel safe and loved.
Let your heart be set ablaze with passion for life.
A life that you truly deserve.
Things are hardly simple and definitely not easy.
Those closest to us can claim to love us and yet hurt us the most.
They may give us all that we need and yet take away a part of us.
Or never give us anything but pain and suffering.
You did not ask for this.
You’ve done your best.
You just want to be you.
You deserve to be loved for everything that you are.
Let them know.
No more excuses.
No more taking it and suffering in silence.
No more mistreatment and disrespect.
Strong and brave.
This life is yours.
I wrote this a while back… Maybe two years ago? Feeling nostalgic, a little bit homesick, longing for the good things I’ve left behind and dreaming of the other good things I’ve been wanting in my life.
It was bittersweet.
Beautiful ornaments swaying on the branches. Twinkling lights and shiny baubles. Snowflakes, stars, bells, garlands, deer and candy canes. Green, red and gold.
It’s as if I will turn to my right to look out the window and I will see snow. I wish…
For the first time in five years, I have decided to buy a proper Christmas tree and decorate it.
Looking at it feels like home.
I actually miss winter, even though the last time I experienced it wasn’t all that enjoyable. I also miss the woods, the lakes, the winding roads and the peacefulness of my small town.
It’s been five years. Never once have I missed home. I left a lot of pain back there. I found solace in a foreign place, a place so vibrant and warm. No snowflake ever touches its streets.
Summer has always been my favorite season. But each season has its own beauty. I’ve learned to appreciate them all. However, it’s been difficult to get into the Christmas spirit with no snow outside. Perhaps it’s the magic behind those holidays that I miss.
The Christmas tree feels like a band aid. A pill. Just a temporary fix to what seems to be looming inside.
I enjoy my Christmas tree nevertheless.
Do I actually miss home? Do I want to go home? Should I go home? Can I go home?
Things are complicated.
I think a lot. Always deep in thought. A blessing and a curse.
No. It’s not home that I miss. Not the one I left behind.
I want my very own home. I want peace. I want freedom.
I want to walk the wilderness again…
Since then… I’m home again, you could say. In my homeland for sure.
My very own home is work in progress, but it’s already a fact of my future.
I’ve walked the wilderness again, and not only.
Some things are still complicated, but I’m stronger than ever.
I don’t have a Christmas tree of my own this year, but that doesn’t matter…
I have so much more.
P.S. There will be a Christmas tree next year, in my very own home.
Just because it’s all you’ve ever known, doesn’t mean it’s all it can ever be.Mooseymares
It’s raining today. I am hearing the raindrops hit the balcony rail. It’s bringing back memories of when it all began.
Over a decade ago, on a dark rainy night, I was listening to the rain hit the window sill as inspiration washed over me. And I wrote like I’ve never written before. It continued for years. Went into slumber for a while, but never truly stopped.
I’ve always liked rain. Maybe never truly understood how much, until it was all I had. Living far away from home with no winter, autumn, or spring to enjoy anymore. Not even warm summer days without feeling like I’m melting. And certainly no cool summer nights and the fresh scent of dew.
It’s different here. Imperfect, yet so beautiful. Even if it’s under the same sky as the rest of the world. Being far away from home has taught me a lot.
Where do I even begin?
I’ve learned so much about the world. Myself. I stepped into a dream and wondered when I’ll wake up. And wake up I did. Fell asleep again. Hypnotized by the everyday life of the modern societies.
Or should I say… western societies?
My dreams got invaded. I thought I should be doing something else than I had truly desired. But I can always count on my soul to wake me up and remind me of what truly matters.
Regardless, leaving home was the best decision I’ve ever made. Likely, I wouldn’t have known what I know now. An invaluable piece of myself could’ve been buried deep and hidden in a toxic haze.
Of course, so many things are far from perfect. But perfection doesn’t really exist, does it?
Maybe it’s ironic, but exactly where I feel the safest, I need to be the most brave. When so many, especially those closest to me, would rather stay asleep.
No matter what, I wouldn’t change a thing about how my life has turned out, but I’d lie if I said I never wanted to.
In the end, all my wishes and the things around me are just a part of my human experience.
And right now, my biggest desire is…
What is it that gives life meaning? A purpose. Brings happiness.
Is it that big fancy house? That promotion? Shiny new wheels in your garage? That hot date on a Friday night? Those branded clothes and accessories you spent your whole month’s paycheck on?
Or is it something else?
Meaning can be found in just about anything, if you want to.
If you stay asleep. Drug yourself. Talk yourself into it. Lie to yourself. Make yourself believe that it’s all you’ve ever wanted.
Or were you gently rocked into it? Since the day you were born.
What is it that gives life meaning?
When you can no longer stay asleep.
When your gaze can’t stop at the veil, but always wanders beyond it.
When everything around you becomes background noise.
And someone else speaks to you from within.
Society seems to be designed a certain way. You and I must follow the rules or endure judgement and exclusion. At best.
But why is it that we cannot stray from the perfectly painted lines? Why must our lives follow the paths set for us? By others, too of flesh and blood. Just like us.
For those of us, restless. Who cannot conform, bend to anyone’s will. There is a variety of weapons to choose from. To fight our way through. Just to live our truth, create and follow our own path.
The most powerful of them all is always with us. Within us. It is the heart. And that is all we need. Because tearing your heart open for the world to see is your most powerful weapon. It creates waves that transcend time and space, and uplifts others to live their truth. It changes the world.
Follow your heart and let it speak. It may not be easy, but it is the most rewarding way to live. It is the source of true joy and happiness.