A while ago I felt him awaken within me.
For the longest time, he slept.
Caged and chained.
He’s free now, I thought.
I’ve let him go, but I still put a leash on him.
I guess, I was afraid to let him roam.
Completely free to go anywhere he wants.
Do whatever he wants.
Oh, and he’s got no fear.
Thoughts and opinions of others mean nothing.
He’s freedom itself.
One I’ve desired for so, so long.
I’ve come to love him.
Stronger and deeper with time.
He has no concept of perfection.
He’s got the courage to take what he wants and needs.
But he doesn’t need to be brave.
He doesn’t need to be anything.
He just is.
Thus, he can have it all.
He has it all.
Judgement haunts me, but is nothing to him.
My beliefs stop me.
While he believes in nothing.
He doesn’t need to.
So what happens if I truly let go?
I know that a lot of amazing things will come.
But it’s a special feeling that pushes me forward.
I feel him rise.
As he does, so do I.
A feeling so strong.
So extremely powerful.
Like a broken dam that can no longer hold the flow of a river.
My thoughts, fears, anxiety.
The way I judge myself.
My desire to be good, so I can be seen as good by others.
Be loved by others.
It’s all just broken pieces of what I thought I should be.
No longer capable of stopping who I am.
It’s time to level up.
I no longer fit in this box.
Never was supposed to.
It’s not easy.
Even painful at times.
But it’s just so damn incredible.
To feel this power.
To know I’m more than I ever thought I could be.
It must go.
Let it flow.
A while ago I felt him awaken within me.
Letting myself down.
Over and over again.
Hiding pieces of me.
Living in someone else’s fantasy.
Of who, what and how I am.
Allowing it all to happen.
The bitter truth.
There’s nobody else to blame.
I can’t control others.
But I can stop participating.
In this wretched illusion.
Like a double life.
Stuck in the past.
Replaying scenes that are long gone.
And will never return.
Everything’s so different now.
But they can’t see it.
They refuse to.
Thinking I’ve thrown myself into the trash.
Yet that can’t be further from reality.
Even if I’m disappointed in myself for not speaking up.
Afraid to hurt them.
To be rejected, shamed, insulted.
I’ve still done what I had to.
I keep walking forward.
Showing up for myself.
It would be easier if they were gone from my life.
But I’ll have to face my fears.
Show what I’m made of.
And love myself deeply.
I’m honoring my soul.
So much fear and hatred in people’s hearts.
They should be pitied, no?
But I feel no pity.
Entire societies and systems have been created.
Just to oppress, control and even erase others.
Just what are they are afraid of?
They’re all just like dust.
A background noise.
Angry voices in the dark.
My soul knows love and kindness.
My mind understands.
But I sometimes feel angry.
These small-minded people…
So incredibly weak…
Powerful enough to cause pain and destruction.
They have no right to the joy and happiness of others.
Not for them to decide, give, or take.
But they keep doing it anyway…
Everyone deserves to be who they are.
Freely, without judgement.
To simply exist without fear.
What is it that you truly desire?
Deep in your soul.
Beyond the touch.
Warmth on your skin.
What is your essence?
Vibrating through your core.
Flowing through your veins.
Pumping inside your heart.
What is your deepest darkest secret?
You locked away, hid and tried to drown.
Afraid to ever let it roam free.
Losing grasp of your true power.
What happens when you finally let it all go?
The pain, the fear, the shame.
Accept and embrace the one inside you.
Rise, ever so powerful and free.
When I was a kid, maybe around 6 or 7 years old, I remember standing under a plum tree near my apartment building at the time. My hands touched the tree and I was thinking…
Why do I see things the way I see?
Why am I me?
It’s one of my earliest memories that I am sure wasn’t a dream. And yet, in my memory, I can see myself not only as I remember it—in first person’s view—but also as if I were a bird, flying above and looking at myself from the sky.
I try to see myself as another person would, but I always feel like I am being pushed back to look at myself like a bird does.
I never thought of why my memory is like this. I guess it doesn’t matter.
. . .
Later in life, around the beginning of my teen years, I remember being asked what I would want to achieve in life.
Or was it… what would I want to do when I grew up? It’s usually the latter question that children get asked.
It wasn’t things like becoming a police officer like my father anymore. As a small child, I never put thought into what I truly wished to become or do when I grew up.
As a teen, I had no profession or title in mind. I just remember thinking…
I want to be free. Free to do whatever I want and be happy.
So simple and pure. A straightforward guide. The foundation. The core that can help build the life I truly want.
But somewhere along the way…
I fell asleep.
. . .
In my twenties, I discovered truths that had changed my life forever.
I moved continents away from home and discovered new amazing things, including spirituality, and started making my way to…
Yet, at 30 I found myself missing something. Even if my mind couldn’t grasp it at first.
You got what you wanted. You moved where you wanted to. You have a nicer place to live in and your career is progressing great.
Why are you not happy?
What is missing in your life?
For the first time in five years, I began to miss home.
Sounds simple, but it wasn’t.
Sure, I missed the beautiful plains, hills, woods and lakes, and the beautiful sandy beaches, but…
I soon began to realize that my soul was hungry.
Once more, I opened my eyes.
I was awake.
I could hear again what my heart was whispering. And learned why my soul was screaming. I just couldn’t hear any of it clearly.
And then I traveled back into my memories.
Why am I me?
And why am I here?
What is my purpose?
I lie awake now. Eyes wide open. Fixed on the target.
I shall continue my journey with a certain heart.
My spirit shall guide me.
Always improving and becoming better?
Yes, but that’s because…
I’m revealing my true self.
I am watching you crash against the walls of my castle.
Most likely both of us will suffer some damage.
But in the end, you will be the one to crumble into pieces.
That is because you come at me with pointless hatred.
It is a weapon too weak to defeat a sincere heart.
Too fragile to stand against a powerful soul.
It is only strong in your clouded eyes.
A lonely illusion uniting the hurt and the scared.
You’re too afraid to show the world who you really are.
Hiding, never daring to savor life as it is.
Deaf and blind to the beauty around you.
So determined to destroy those different than you.
You might even win some battles.
But the victory in this war is mine.
I shall rebuild with light and love.
I am so incredibly beautiful.
I didn’t even realize this… for so long.
The vastness of my soul.
The immense power.
Shoved in a box.
Chained by fears and false beliefs.
Trapped in a body deemed imperfect by society’s beauty standards.
Made to feel less than.
Failing to see my strength.
The choice to take it all off.
Afraid to simply exist.
Not fitting the “norm”.
Seeking a deep connection.
Below the shallows.
Beyond the skies.
Behind mirrored reflections.
I have so much love to give.
But I know now I should give it all to myself first.
And stop forgetting who I am.
Trying to blend in as if I’m not a bright star.
I am the creator of my world.
The writer of my story.
The painter of my pictures.
The composer of my melody.
I had to learn the language of modern day men, so I could be seen and heard. I had to assimilate into their culture, so I could fit in. I had to suffer in silence, so I could survive. I had to take on the pain of others, so they could feel okay. Except they didn’t. They could not and cannot see what I see, what I feel, what I hear, what I know. They cannot remember. Not yet.
I felt alone. Different. Free from desire of the mundane reality before me, yet completely consumed by it. Unable to find what I was looking for, only to discover everything within me. I embarked on a journey to a faraway land, vastly different from what I’ve known before it. In this lifetime. With hope for a different life, I’ve traveled far only to be back where I started.
On my journey, I’ve met people from different cultures. People who followed different religions. I was an outsider, but I felt more at home than in my own lands. I believed that I had no place in my own home. That I had no home. And in these foreign lands I was welcomed with kindness. I didn’t want to leave. For a while. A time came where I was no longer comfortable and I felt a call from the northern woods. A call to return home and take my rightful place.
That beautiful chapter of growth and discovery had ended. And it gave me more than I had ever imagined or dreamed of. I started to remember who I was and what I was capable of. As I answered the call of the wild trees, a new chapter began. My journey was far from over. There was so much more to remember.
From clear waters, through the rocky beach and woods filled with pine trees, to the stone circle in a mountain valley. My spirit is home. I am claiming my power. I am claiming my land. Not to rule it. And if you remember, you will know what I mean. And for those who forgot…
You may never remember in this lifetime. But your soul will return. Over and over again. Until you do.
Fear, anger, pain, guilt, shame, resentment… Feel it. Let yourself feel it all and then let it go. There’s no need to keep it inside and burden yourself any longer.
Remember who you are. Remember where you came from. Remember your purpose. Remember your power.
Your mind may not understand it, but your soul knows.
Remember (,) love.
Sometimes life pushes you to do things you’ve been so afraid of.
Backs you up in a corner with no way out.
With nobody to help you.
So you have to stand up and make your way out on your own.
No matter how scared you are.
And it may turn out that it’s not so bad like you had imagined in your head.
Fear had painted a picture more horrible than reality.
Once you do what you should have done in the first place, this fear loses its power over you.
Forgive yourself for not doing it sooner.
It’s alright now.
Move forward with courage in your heart.
We may always meet at the Hall of Gods,
Stripped away from the problems of the world.
With nothing but the stars under our feet,
Shimmering in the dark as our souls greet.