I get goosebumps when I feel him within me.
So strong and dominant.
Seeping with power.
He wants out.
He wants to play.
And I don’t think I can hold him in any longer.
It’s been a few years now…
Since I finally saw him.
Since the cage opened and the chains started to break.
But I’ve been afraid, still…
To let him roam free.
He’s the rebel.
The “bad boy”.
My fear just isn’t strong enough anymore.
He cannot be contained.
He will not bow.
I feel the glory.
Not the one most know.
Beyond the walls of the man-made world.
Between light and dark.
One who does not want to lead.
But you’ll want to follow.
One who does not need to hunt.
But you’ll want him to.
And yet, it doesn’t matter…
He wants not your approval.
Or your permission.
As we finally merge…
Burying deep the remnants of the past.
Hungry for more.
I’m letting him off.
This is the only way.
I transform within.
I get goosebumps when I feel him within me.
A change is coming.
I feel it in my bones.
Or is it…
Happening right now?
Like growing pains.
Feels like something is wrong.
A part of me wants it to end.
But another part knows…
It must be this way.
I have to go through it.
And it’s okay.
Excitement rises within…
Of what is coming.
I have no clue and yet…
Caught between a calm knowing.
And the old ways of worry and fear.
Standing in the eye of a storm.
But it’s stripping me away of it all…
Leaving me bare.
As it gets washed away by the tide…
A breath of fresh air.
I am left with myself.
As I am.
Cleansed by the wind and the rain.
Taking in the warmth of the sun.
Is it fading?
Or is it that…
I’ve become stronger.
It’s loosening its grip over me.
And I keep being myself.
As a human that I am.
Everything as it is.
No longer gatekeeping.
Accepting every piece of me.
Like a blooming flower.
Now open to myself.
Rising like a morning sun.
A return to…
A sadness that came over me…
Bursting into tears.
It’s been a long, long time…
Misunderstood and lonely.
No one to ever truly connect with.
Soul to soul.
My one true desire.
And yet, days later…
It doesn’t feel like mine anymore.
Sad, but also not.
Someone else’s grief.
So difficult to explain.
I don’t know what’s going on…
Never felt like this before.
I guess, it’s part of a transformation.
I only wonder…
What awaits on the other side of this?
I’ll wait and see.
The end of 2022 felt heavy.
Heavy with the burden of loneliness.
Unfulfilled desires and wishes.
But not all of them were meant to be.
That’s one thing to remember.
One of many.
I’ve forgotten again…
How far I’ve come.
What burdens and challenges I’ve overcome.
And how blessed I am, despite it all.
How incredibly strong I am.
Born with the ability to transform.
I could even say…
I’m addicted to transformation.
There’s no better feeling than allowing everything that’s heavy to fall.
See the lessons in the hardships.
At times, burn… to ashes.
Only to rise again, stronger than ever.
The light within.
Shining ever so brightly.
Pain turning into compassion.
And the truth of life.
I continue learning.
Opening up myself more, to love.
And all the amazing gifts that come my way.
Finding ways to remind myself that I am more powerful than I ever allowed myself to be.
Looking back not just to find the faults in myself, other people and situations in the past.
But to find my true self again, before it all.
Beliefs and fears that were never mine.
Traits I thought belonged to my character.
That is not I.
Let’s go find the real me.
In the rubble.
Beyond the remnants of days no more.
That’s gonna be tough work.
But I’m so excited…
I smile to myself as I sit alone.
My heart feels joy.
Brighter days are ahead.
And I feel closer than ever…
To something truly magical.
I am ready to receive.
Let it all burn.
As he is. I become.
Some people don’t like it when you rise to the top.
They cannot stand that you’re successful.
And so I’ve learned…
Not to be afraid of being an asshole.
Whether on purpose or not.
To someone, somewhere, you will always be one.
Some people can’t stand it when you resist.
They cannot deal with the fact you’re not taking it like a champ when they’re beating you down.
And they only see what they want to see.
Through their own pain and suffering.
Their level of understanding and beliefs.
As much as anyone would love to make someone else see things differently, it might just be impossible.
And so you must live with that.
Deal with it.
When you have the tools to handle it, you can come through the other side even better.
As we seek love and acceptance, this may be no easy task.
To accept that sometimes we won’t be loved and accepted.
And to love…
First and foremost.
If only I silence my thoughts…
The ones that want me to stay afraid.
The ones that try to convince me I’m not enough.
The ones that tell me I don’t belong.
Then there’s no stopping me…
The power is within me.
I feel a power within me.
It seems as if I could move mountains and nobody could ever take me down.
Others should even be afraid instead.
It seems as if there’s a fire burning inside.
One that cannot be put out.
I feel as if I’m the most powerful in the world.
It’s difficult to describe…
An immense force.
As if fears are melting inside it slowly, and finally burn to ashes and disappear in the wind.
And it seems like finally…
Finally, I am returning to me.
Who I always was and was meant to be.
I am coming home.
Within my true self.